Last week was another experiment in my *~*~*~influencing adventures~*~*~*. It still feels very silly, but dressing up my new Bunnicula shirt from Out of Print was kind of fun. It’s odd. I’m still having some issues accepting my recent weight gain; part of me is miserable about it and part of me is coming to terms with it. Taking pictures of myself helps, but it’s still hard to look at myself sometimes.
And it scares me, which means I should keep working at it.
I’ve been trying my hand at ‘influencer’-y things (ugh) and trying to get over my massive amounts of self-consciousness. It feels futile; I’m not influential. My 75 followers probably don’t want any influencing. It’s just kind of a silly experiment. Especially since I can’t go out and see things and take pictures in cool locations, considering the current plague going on.
But one of my favorite Instagram users mentioned that they were self-conscious sitting down. It’s a challenge to be sure. I must’ve taken like forty pictures and these were the only three I was happy with. But also I can see what I actually look like — overcoming the huge disconnect between my mind and body (the dysmorphia is real), as well as being a plus-size person in front of the camera. It’s interesting to challenge myself this way. I’m pretty good at writing, and I’ve always been good at moving my body (I’ve got a black belt in karate for Pete’s sake), but looking at myself and being in front of a camera is a completely different hurdle.
But I kind of like it.
I kind of feel good about this, flub and thunder thighs and all. I’m never going to be a size two. That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t celebrate my body for all the gifts it’s given me. I’m cute. I’m pudgy. I sit down and look okay doing it!
The thing I’ve gleaned from this more than anything else is just keeping trying things that scare you. I was terrified of posting these pictures to my instagram, but it all worked out in the end.
Try something terrifying. Try something that makes you a little apprehensive. It’ll work out, I promise.
Last weekend I went out to the far side of town for a friend’s birthday, and it was delightful. I was so worried about posting some of these pictures, but I had such a good time it seemed silly not to share.
I’m looking pretty big in these pics. But I’m also looking pretty happy? Sometimes it’s still shocking to me that the two can happen at the same time.